Sunday, Apr. 18, 2010;1:46 am
Right now, more than ever, I need people to believe in me. I know that what happened was my fault, due to my one assumption, but if you're somebody whom I am constantly around, then I humbly ask for you to believe in me. Believe that I can drive again, believe that I am not just one of those bad female drivers (because I know I'm not - I'm good at it!) and trust me.
I know that one of the most important things in being a good driver - after passing all your tests, of course - is being confident. The difference between me then, the driver who just passed, and me up till now, is that I became more experienced and confident on the road. At the start, some people weren't encouraging at all. The first person in the car who showed and built just a tiny brick of confidence in me was my younger brother. It was slow progress but I became subsequently better and more confident. I never forgot the promise I made to God. Now, being on this side of the accident, I know what changed. And now I've lost just about all that confidence I'd slowly built from the people around me. I don't know who would trust me anymore and honestly, I don't even know if I trust myself. I hate to sound melodramatic and nobody really needs to hear this but I guess in some way, I need to say it.
Another thing that I need to do, for myself, is to stop skirting the responsibility that comes with this. When it first happened, I was so angry and couldn't understand how I could be in the wrong when it was I who got hit. I was angry that we had to pay. I kept lying about the responsibilities, trying to make it sound less like it was my fault. My first instinct was to run away from everything, so I didn't have to deal with it, so it could be over quick. I didn't like talking to people about it because I didn't want them to think I was just another bad driver. I didn't (and don't) want them to write me off so I told few of my friends. I was ashamed myself. It didn't help that I kept hearing over and over again that it was my fault. Everytime we consulted somebody, it came to that. I knew it was my fault and I didn't need to hear it being repeatedly reinforced. We just got the news that he wants to claim against us and now, I think I've coped enough to know that I've just got to man up. Hearing Mark's story yesterday about his accident and how he took full responsibility for it even though he didn't have to also made me think - why can't I take responsibility for what I did? Why do I keep running away? Why am I angry when it was really my fault? Why am I not brave enough, not honourable enough?
I think it has come to this. I realise now that what my mum said was true ("He said that but tonight he's also thinking of how to claim against you"). The world doesn't have to be kind. Those who are kind are the exception, and you would be blessed to hit the cars of those. It's taken me 17 days to come to this. The first one and a half weeks I was indubitably sad, down and ashamed. I was so so ashamed. I am still sad now, whenever I think about it. I wish it didn't happen. But I hope that I am brave enough to take up responsibility for what I did and with that, I hope to release the heavy burden in my heart.
Hi God/Being 20
Monday, Nov. 23, 2009;11:38 pm
I am a new life, a new creation. But I must not be proud.
Babel
Wednesday, Jul. 08, 2009;8:11 am
The Tower of Babel is about honouring God. Ultimately, God was unhappy because the people had so much potential then, with their common language, and they chose not to honour God with what they had. Making a name for yourself is not necessarily evil, it's what you make a name for yourself for that counts.
I do want to make a name for myself. I've had thoughts about being rich in the future. When we do the write-your-own-epitaph exercise in church, I always think I want to be 'great'. What is this idea of greatness? To me, it is about making a difference. I want to fight for social justice and change lives. I wonder, if in my definition of 'great', there isn't an element of wanting to be renowned.
Yesterday, I prayed for God to open up leadership and volunteer opportunities for me. Why do I want to lead and serve? What are my intentions? I believe that I want to do so because of the time I have. Why do I want to make it on the honour roll? I believe it is because God has made me to be good (not bad at least) at what I'm studying now.
I pray that in all things, my intention is to always honour. God, let me honour You.